love...how?

“You have stolen my heart.”
Dashboard Confessionals

For some weird and twisted reason, I am madly in love. For confidential purposes, I cant put down the name of the person.

Because I’m madly in love, I’ve been thinking about love a lot these days. Sadly, I’ve reached the conclusion that at this point in time, I’m just not ready to be in a relationship with any guy. You know why? Coz I think I don’t know how to love in an unselfish way. If I can’t even love my cell members enough to care for them, how can I expect myself to give my heart to a deserving guy? A relationship between a guy and a girl is not merely feelings and attraction. It’s a relationship two persons enter into that is centered on the will of God whereby two of them have a common destiny in god and are willing to pursue together. That’s kinda deep huh?

Someone once wisely said, “I want to be captivated by God’s love before I allow myself to be captivated by someone else.” The other reason I think I’m not ready to give someone else my heart is because I have not truly been captivated by God, the original Lover. I need to “love the Lord with all my heart and with all my soul”. I feel that if I allow someone into my life right now, he will only be a distraction from God because I will not enjoy & seek God’s companionship or guidance as I should. When I have learnt to appreciate God as a lover then I will be ready to BE a lover to someone else the way God intended.

See, this is the logical part of me thinking. The illogical part of me however, has a stolen heart already. How nice, the song is playing now as I’m typing this. Coincidence? The fact is, I think about him all the time. I long to see him, to talk to him. You know why? Because he is a man who wants to serve God no matter what God calls him to do. Because he is committed to be a disciple of Jesus Christ. Because I respect him. When I finally give my heart to somebody, I need to know that he understands that God has called me to do great things for His glory. I don’t want him to just follow me around, I want him to know his mission in Christ also and take me to the ends of the earth. I need to know that he is worthy of my respect and that he is someone worthy for me to submit to and to obey. First of all thought, I want my heart to be stolen by the great Lover. I want to be in love first with Him.

Sometimes when I think about it, it just overwhelms me. I get knots in my stomach, I feel my eyes getting moist. I guess the longer I wait, the more beautiful he will be when God finally sends him. (him=the perfect guy God has chosen for me)

I’m waiting in eager expectation. Oh yeah, I think I understand better what it means to wait actively. “They that wait upon the Lord…”