So what if i failed before

As I prepare for exams next week, i can't help but look back on the last time i took my exam and the events following. Yeah, failing is not good. But in my case, it could possibly be the best thing that happened to me.

because i failed, i was able to be part of the Congress of Nations for the EE ministry. Over that one week, although i was running up and down doing this and that, i was so privilleged to have met so many people from so many places. in that one week, i made my first Egyptian friend, my first Romanian friend, my first Finish friend etc.

But all this is background to my main point.

It was at that one week, that i reconnected with Rod, who urged me once again to go to Fiji for a 6 week Intern's Training. Boy, was he persistent! And thank God for that! By the end of the week, let's just say i was totally convinced and here I am, packing to leave in a week. Of course, God provided in so many ways (as per His character).

A bit about this training. It's (supposed to be) a practical training for those between the ages of 18-30 who are considering coming into full time ministry, whether with EE or in other ministries. So we'll be taught what the Bible says about missions, we'll be going into the villages and helping out in practical ways, and spending lotsa time seeking and discovering the will of God.

So here i am, in the middle of the night, can't sleep, worrying about exams, excited about Fiji, thinking about my beloved youth group. I'm still amazed at how God works.

Also in April, another milestone for me, I had the opportunity to join 10 others from Malaysia on a trip to Bangladesh to teach Xee. This was my first experience teaching to a group who barely understood me but by the grace of God, managed to reproduce the whole outline by the end of the 3 day training. It was truly amazing to be a witness of a miracle at work. At that time, i felt the excitement of pioneering something new. The best part of the trip was that God was with us.

Last semester i failed quite largely due to my involvement with the church youth camp. If you ask me now, i say i'd do it all over again because i know God is a debtor to no one. And true enough, He always reserves the best for those who honours him.

Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4

Can't wait to get on that plane and, as Moses said before crossing the Red Sea, "stand and see what God is going to do."

Live a life of faith, my friends. Because He will never leave you nor forsake you.

Doesn't Matter How Difficult

¹⁶ Yet preaching the Good News is not something I can boast about. I am compelled by God to do it. How terrible for me if I didn’t preach the Good News!
1 Corinthians 9:16

If a man or a woman is called by God, it doesn't matter how difficult the circumstances may be. - Oswald Chambers.

How true. For me, i get frustrated when people tell me that they can't serve God now, maybe another 2 years time, or when they tell me "no lah, you go ahead and serve lah, i don't have the calling to serve in this way". You see, i'm a very straightforward kind of person when it comes to biblical truths and promises. When God promised that "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you" (Heb 13:5) i think he really meant it. God will always give us the grace to obey him. How cool is that? He not only asks us to obey him, He gives us everything we need to obey him because he gives us His presence.

When i look at my own life, i thank God everyday for his grace in my life. At such a young age, i'm given the grace to do so much for his kingdom, influence so many people. In my ministry, i'm so humbled because i have the unique opportunity to counsel and give advice to people 10 years older than myself and they listen and are challenged by what I've accomplished. I'm studying for a really tough exam, yet i still come back every weekend to Seremban to serve the church. I don't say all these to boast, i say this because I am convinced that the only person i should aim to please in my life is God. Not my examiners, not my parents, not myself, but God.

Don't get me wrong. It's definitely not easy. Lonely is the way of the cross. I've failed major exams, been betrayed, been made fun of, cried myself to sleep for lack of friends who stand by me and understand my burdens etc. But i still carry on. Let me share with you an excerpt of my current favourite chapter

¹² I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. ¹³ No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, ¹⁴ I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us. ¹⁵ Let all who are spiritually mature agree on these things." - Philippians 3

Therefore, fun the race in such a way to win the prize. Because we can. Not because of who we are, but because of what He's done; not because of what I've done, but because of who He is.

shameful thoughts

2 Corinthians 4:2 "we reject all shameful deeds and underhanded methods..." it's so easy to have thoughts that are shameful. deeds are rather detectable, but thoughts are my own and thus i can easily hide them. and so, shameful thoughts are much more dangerous. It's hardly evil thoughts, but shameful in many ways. i catch myself thinking many times "good thing he/she can't read my thoughts..."


i think the only remedy for these shameful thoughts is found in Romans 8:5 which says "those who are dominated by the sinful nature think about sinful things, but those who are controlled by the Holy Spirit think about things that please the Spirit."


I think i need the Holy Spirit to control me and to control my thoughts everyday. My life's goal is to please the Lord. When i stand before him on judgment day and my thoughts are played out like a movie, i don't want to be ashamed. i want the Holy Spirit to be pleased with my thoughts, that my whole being is pleasing and acceptable to the Lord.

Therefore i need to be constantly found in the presence of God, constantly coming to him for my mind to be renewed. This, is discipline. There will be days (there have been many)where i just want to "run away" from God, but that has to stop. i want my life to be guarded by the Lord, i want my foundation to be on His word.

So today, there's much to do, much to accomplish. By his strength and in His control, there will be discipline in my life that leads to passion for the things of God.

There will come a day

There will come a day
by Vivienne Voon

There will come a day
When i'll see, see Him smile right at me
There will come a day
When i'll hear him say, "well done, good and faithful one"
There will come a day
Where the lame walks, and the blind will see again
There will come a day
When He takes, He takes me home

Chorus:
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
He will take me home
Take me home
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
There will come a day
When He takes, He takes me home



Author's comment:
This song really brings tears to my eyes everytime i sing it. i can imagine one day when He comes again, to take away all our pain, all our sorrow, just to take us home, back into our father's arms. wow, the anticipation of that day sometimes just drives me crazy.

There's so much nonsense in this world that i'd like to change, the injustices to innocent people, the opportunities certain groups of people are totally deprived of, it's really just not fair. But all His promises are true, and He promised that one day he'll come back to right all wrongs, to bring justice, to show mercy, and to take His rightful place as Lord of all.

How to save a life

How To Save A Life

by The Fray

Step one you say we need to talk

He walks you say sit down it's just a talk

He smiles politely back at you

You stare politely right on through

Some sort of window to your right

As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame

You begin to wonder why you came

CHORUS:

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best

Cause after all you do know best

Try to slip past his defense

Without granting innocence

Lay down a list of what is wrong

The things you've told him all along

And pray to God he hears you

And pray to God he hears you

CHORUS:

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice

You lower yours and grant him one last choice

Drive until you lose the road

Or break with the ones you've followed

He will do one of two things

He will admit to everything

Or he'll say he's just not the same

And you'll begin to wonder why you came

CHORUS:

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

Don't speak

Don't Speak

by No Doubt

You and me

We used to be together

Everyday together always

I really feel

That I'm losing my best friend

I can't believe

This could be the end

It looks as though you're letting go

And if it's real Well I don't want to know

Don't speak

I know just what you're saying

So please stop explaining

Don't tell me cause it hurts

Don't speak

I know what you're thinking

I don't need your reasons

Don't tell me cause it hurts

Our memories

Well, they can be inviting

But some are altogether mighty frightening

As we die, both you and I

With my head in my hands I sit and cry

Don't speak

I know just what you're saying

So please stop explaining

Don't tell me cause it hurts

Don't speak

I know what you're thinking

I don't need your reasons

Don't tell me cause it hurts

It's gonna be ok

Brit Nicole
Don't worry now

[CHORUS]
When you feel like you are all alone
Just like your best friend up and gone
Don't worry now
Don't worry now
You can't stop the pain from falling down
But in the end love will find us out
Don't worry now
Don't worry now
It's gonna be ok


I've been trying to find a way to understand
When I can't see the picture of God's plan
Why would He let us hurt so bad?
Could anything good come of these feelings that I have?
He loved me more than the sand on beaches
He loved me more than the grass is green
And even though he had to go I always knew his love was part of me

When you feel like you are all alone
Just like your best friend up and gone
Don't worry now
Don't worry now
You can't stop the pain from falling down
But in the end love will find us out
Don't worry now
Don't worry now


It's taken so long to let this go
It's taken so long to feel that
Your right here next to me
And I can finally breathe
It's taken so long but now I know
I had to find out on my own
They thought they could convince me
But only love could convinced me
it's gonna be ok

When you feel like you are all alone
Just like your best friend up and gone
Don't worry now
Don't worry now
You can't stop the pain from falling down
But in the end love will find us out
Don't worry now
Don't worry now
It's gonna be
It's gonna be ok

HK - overview, (from a culinary point of view)

just came bk from macau. reached home about 10smthng but amazingly still wide awake so decided to blog a bit.

well, the best thing i like about macau & HK is there is plenty of PORK!!! fantastic! my fav for the whole trip was pork chop curry rice that i had on the first day of my trip. didn't have to search far actually. we just stumbled upon this"little" shop at the ferry terminus connecting macau to HK. it was a set meal worth HK$20* if i remember correctly. meal consisted of said pork chop curry rice, boiled pak choy and a drink. it was really delicious i think. once of the cheapest meals we had there.

of course i have to devote one paragraph to the famed HK wanton mee. it's noodles is definitely springier than what we have here in malaysia. the wantans bigger and more solid. more than 1 prawn inside each compared to ours where the wantan skin covers barely any minced meat... (note: no prawn or only half a prawn inside each wantan in msia. quite pathetic if i may say so) however, think the wantan soup is way too salty. try at least once, but i wouldn't recommend continued consumption for fear of loss of hair :p

we stayed at very near Ladies Street, specifically Argyle Street. hence, it was hectic day and night. the thing i noticed about this place is, they love their fried stuff here. only here though. not so much in other parts of HK. it's like we have our satay celup or "lok lok", but theirs they use the same ingredients, just they fry them instead of dipping them into hot sauce. tried once or twice but coudn't tahan the oil after 2 rounds of this... too much oil ler. oh yeah, the ohter thing that really put me off was the "chao tau fu" or smelly tofu. they were frying these at every fried stuff stall so the smell from these delicacies were so pungent i literally had to cover my face everytime i passed these stalls... haha. didn't try them tho. coudn't bring myself to.

the dim sum here... not so nice ler. maybe i didn't know what to call coz for the 1st time, we couldn't choose from ready made dim sums that the waiters usually push around in trolleys. had to understand the menu which was written in mandarin. i had dim sum in macau at the hotel we were staying at (metro Park hotel). ok la, i wouldn't go again tho. so-so only.

anyway, this is my first time in HK. enjoyed myself learning about a new country. no regrets. at least i learned that there's good food and not so good food in HK. haha. felt like tastes were not so strong, much milder than what we have in msia. curries are not hot at all in HK, coffee too diluted, nothing deep fried... got to give them credit tho, everything here is extra salty. oh yeah, i LOVE PORK!!! :p

*the prices here are exhorbitantly high. at least double or more of the prices compared to msian prices. but looking deeper, people here earn also double or more what an average msian earns. so comparatively, they're ok. just don't earn ringgit and spend HK$. u'll suffer.

HK day 2

this morning we went to victoria peak on HK island. it was funny in a way bcoz everything is sooo expensive here so we were literally hunting for good inexpensive food. by the time we got up to the peak, the only food available there were cafes and bistros. at that time it was almost lunch time d and we didn't have any breakfast. so we had to resort to burger king. get this, 1 whopper, drink, fries, onion rings, 4 pcs chicken tenders and the bill totaled HK$ 60 (RM30). can u believe this place? yeah, 3 of us shared that and came down to have another proper lunch. i must say tho that the portion here is bigger than malaysia's. ok la... besides the prices, food is good actually. it's just dat it's really, can i say it again? EXPENSIVE!!!

a friend indeed

A man of many companions may come to ruin,

but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

Prov 18:24

today i made a new friend. not that i didn't know her before, but today was different. as far as memory serves, i don't think i've ever sat down with her to talk. but when we started talking about our struggles in church, we were at once closer than sisters.

It's amazing when you think you're all alone, God just brings someone along to comfort you. yeah, church planting is definitely lonely. if you can't live without friends, you won't survive the church planting scenario. only the emotionally strong can run and not give up. what amazes me more is, when 2 persons are serving god with all their heart, if 2 persons have suffered on account of God's glory before, these 2 can just sit down to talk and encourage each other freely, both understanding fully the extend of the other's pain/joy that comes along with such suffering.

i always thought there was no one who understands me. i always thought that being lonely is my lot in life, my cross i have to carry as it were. but after today, i know there are many people out there like me. of course it's easy to say Jesus is my best friend, but god did create eve to be adam's companion. we still need encouragement from friends. oh, i'm still in awe of God's grace. i didn't have to say much, she already knew how to comfort me because she's already been through it.

His grace is and ever will be amazing. His mercies are new every morning! praise the Lord!

Discipline

A little sleep, a little slumber,a little folding of the hands to rest

and poverty will come on you like a bandit and scarcity like an armed man.

Prov 24:33-34

i watched on E! the other day and saw alicia keys on it. i asked my mom how come i'm not there. she said, besides talent, like any other thing, i must work hard. really hit home for me. i've been wasting so much time lazing around a bit here, a bit there. so i've decided i'll try to stay off tv as much as possible. oh, and the net. sigh. not as easily done than said.

decided i want to work hard to make my life mean something. i'm on this long painful journey of learning self-discipline. i think it's even harder than form 6 biology. sigh. this is me, feeling pitiful for myself.



p/s: i'm trying to practice my piano again, hopefully i'll at least play it well...

Home

Matt 25:21
"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'

Someone once asked me what is the thing I most looked forward to when I get to heaven. I think at that time I answered that I was looking forward most to the “treasures evermore” part because I thought I deserved my rewards after going through so much suffering in this lifetime. Immediately after saying that, I have not been able to stop thinking about what I said. If I was asked again the same question, this would be my answer now – I want to hear “well done, good and faithful servant!” from the Master.

Since I was young, I always only prayed 2 things consistently throughout. The first is that I would never be a hypocrite. 2ndly was that I would always please him in all that I do. I want him to be happy with all my actions and choices, of my achievements (so Asian culture rite?....).

People ask, why work so hard? Pass enough la… true, if you knew what the passing mark was. I believe there is really only 1 test that we must all pass, set by the Master himself. There is no pass or fail, just “well done” or “you wicked, lazy servant!” which have such extreme consequences. Why then must we work hard? Well, the answer is really simple – so that we may pass the test of the Master, the test which the passing mark is 100%. I am sincerely afraid that if in this life I waste it away not doing the best I can, not yielding the extra 5/2/1 talent that was given me, I would not be qualified to even enter the Master’s home. I’m scared that if I don’t give my best in my responsibilities, I would be cast into the outer darkness where there will be gnashing of teeth.

So really, I work hard not to get bragging rights, but that one day I can stand before my Lord and say with a clear conscience that I have done my best and hoping that he will be pleased with me.

Rom 8:18-19
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

p/s: at the time of writing this, every other singer was singing a song about home so I decided to title this “home” :p oh yeah, tmr’s last day of mock exams… yay!

Suit Up!

be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.

Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.

In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.

Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.

With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

Ephesians 6:10-18

Stand firm! easy to say, hard to achieve. i imagine in war, all we have to do is make sure we stand right to the end. hence the phrase "the last man standing". If we can attack but can't even stand firm when being attacked, we'll definitely be losing the war very soon. these are uncertain times(esp in Malaysia), we really don't know the full extend of the evil that satan is plotting to use as an attack, therefore we need, more than ever, to put on the full armour of God that we may stand firm and not fall in the ONLY war that matters.

"Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."

1 Corinthians 15:58

Swimming Upstream

“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."
Hebrews 12:2

Lately, people around me have signified their willingness to quit the ministry (ok, that was me studying too much law). It’s really sad because I feel so powerless to help them. It’s past the point of reasoning for some of them. Theoretically, they know their facts. It’s just that they either refuse to accept them or reject them or they just give up trying altogether because of the many failures encountered. It breaks my heart. I’m sure God is much more saddened than I am, the thing is I can’t figure out why He would allow this to happen. I’m sure he has his purposes, it’s just that I can’t seem to see things his way just yet. I still believe he is in control of all things, but I think there is something for me to learn as well through all this “chaos” and uncertainty.

I need to constantly remind myself that God is in control and whatever happens he has allowed it to happen. At least there is one constant in my life. Rock of Ages, yeah, that’s my God. While I’m still afloat, I think I need to take a more aggressive stance, swim harder as it were. I was just reminded by my wise dad that if I were to do nothing, the current will just take me downstream. Hence, I need to be vigilant, think with my head, be alert always, as it were, on call 24 hours. I cannot allow myself to be disillusioned or distracted which is so easy for me to become.

2ndly, I realize that what I can do is really nothing compared to what he can do. That’s why I need to pray more, which is hard considering me, a person who seldom sits down to just pray even for half an hour… but the less I spend my time in prayer, the easier it will be for me to feel discouraged or disillusioned. “he gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak… they that wait upon the Lord shall mount up on wings like eagles…” Isaiah 40:29-31. I sincerely believe that God can melt the hardest of hearts.

“if my people…will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and… forgive their sin and will heal their land.”

2 Chronicles 7:14

how can i give up my dream?

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

i've always known god has great plans for my life. the one criteria i look for in any potential husband is that he must take me into the mission field. only one criteria. but then again, i've heard of stories where great women who knew in purposed in their hearts to do great things for god but ended up marrying and bringing up children and not going into the mission field at all. but all these for a good cause since their husbands in the end turned out to be huge succeses even in the kingdom.

take ruth graham, the wife of the great billy graham. she was all set to be single for life and to be a missionary in tibet. but by some twist, she married billy and stayed home to rear the children while billy traveled all over the world preaching the good news. what i don't understand is, how did she know that it was god's will for her to give up her so called "calling"? make no mistake, if given a chance, i'd be readily be a wife of some great man of god, helping him in his ministry if god requires. but my question is, how do i know? when the time does come, god, please let me know without a doubt ur plans for my life. amen.

Sufferings...

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.
Revelations 21:4

sufferings are part of life. agreed. sometimes the sufferings in life just overwhelms us. like when a friend of mine decides to be fired up for God's kingdom, suddenly the sufferings pile on her like a wheelbarrow pouring sand on her head. it just overwhelms. but there will come a day when there will be no more tears. ohh... how i wait for that day. i dream of a day when all these sufferings will pass away and the glory of god just surrounds us, when we will return home with our battle wounds, but a great crowd will be cheering our return. then finally, the master receives us, arms open wide, the glory just surrounds, and says "well done, good and faithful servant." .....just so glorious compared to the present situation.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.
Joshua 1:9

The Resurection

"I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die."

John 11:25

what is the resurrection to me?

• it's a hope, hope for a better life than being trapped in eternity in the sinful nature under the power of the evil one.
• empowerment by the Holy Spirit. It was through this same spirit that Christ was raised from the dead. if only we can live each day in the power of the resurrection, we will definitely be greatly empowered to do His will.
• It's a new life. Jesus promised us a new life after death- no more tears, hurt or sorrow. if we can live each day as an overcomer, this new life will be even more glorious. we'll not only get that mansion just over the hilltop, we'll get a whole hotel. yeah, dat's wat i believe.
• it's my message. Because he lives, we know we have a future, we know we're not alone. we know that we can somehow get through live's ups and downs by the mastermind of our creator. we know we didn't come here by accident.

"If we were united with him in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection. For we know that we were crucified with him so that our body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin, because anyone who has died has ben freed from sin."

Romans 6:5-6

Take courage, we have been empowered by His resurrection!

love...how?

“You have stolen my heart.”
Dashboard Confessionals

For some weird and twisted reason, I am madly in love. For confidential purposes, I cant put down the name of the person.

Because I’m madly in love, I’ve been thinking about love a lot these days. Sadly, I’ve reached the conclusion that at this point in time, I’m just not ready to be in a relationship with any guy. You know why? Coz I think I don’t know how to love in an unselfish way. If I can’t even love my cell members enough to care for them, how can I expect myself to give my heart to a deserving guy? A relationship between a guy and a girl is not merely feelings and attraction. It’s a relationship two persons enter into that is centered on the will of God whereby two of them have a common destiny in god and are willing to pursue together. That’s kinda deep huh?

Someone once wisely said, “I want to be captivated by God’s love before I allow myself to be captivated by someone else.” The other reason I think I’m not ready to give someone else my heart is because I have not truly been captivated by God, the original Lover. I need to “love the Lord with all my heart and with all my soul”. I feel that if I allow someone into my life right now, he will only be a distraction from God because I will not enjoy & seek God’s companionship or guidance as I should. When I have learnt to appreciate God as a lover then I will be ready to BE a lover to someone else the way God intended.

See, this is the logical part of me thinking. The illogical part of me however, has a stolen heart already. How nice, the song is playing now as I’m typing this. Coincidence? The fact is, I think about him all the time. I long to see him, to talk to him. You know why? Because he is a man who wants to serve God no matter what God calls him to do. Because he is committed to be a disciple of Jesus Christ. Because I respect him. When I finally give my heart to somebody, I need to know that he understands that God has called me to do great things for His glory. I don’t want him to just follow me around, I want him to know his mission in Christ also and take me to the ends of the earth. I need to know that he is worthy of my respect and that he is someone worthy for me to submit to and to obey. First of all thought, I want my heart to be stolen by the great Lover. I want to be in love first with Him.

Sometimes when I think about it, it just overwhelms me. I get knots in my stomach, I feel my eyes getting moist. I guess the longer I wait, the more beautiful he will be when God finally sends him. (him=the perfect guy God has chosen for me)

I’m waiting in eager expectation. Oh yeah, I think I understand better what it means to wait actively. “They that wait upon the Lord…”

Stand Firm!

“So, if u think you are standing firm, be careful that u don’t fall!"
1 Corinthians 10:12

How true! Lately I’ve been planning a lot on how to really live a holier and more spiritually disciplined life. Of course, all this in pursuit of knowing Jesus better and knowing His ways for his ways are higher than our ways.

But, along with these plans, I’ve unconsciously developed a pride – thinking just because I’ve made the decision to start meditating, not that I’ve been faithfully practicing, I’ve become holier or smarter than most people. I realized I started getting frustrated when things didn’t go my way. I started criticizing the source of frustration, thinking I have the best solution, forgetting that I know next to nothing. When I got frustrated, it didn’t end there. I lost my temper, started getting angry, throwing tantrums, basically one sin leading to another. It didn’t feel holy being angry with somebody who tweaked my patience but it did feel good staying angry. I guess it’s the human nature taking over, I now understand a little better how we can lose our control, yield to the sinful nature. “For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin, because anyone who has died is free from sin. Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him.”

I consider myself to be strong, not that I boast in this but because god has called me to be strong, strong enough to carry others. But my mistake was thinking that I am standing firm. Unknowingly, subtle temptations crept up without me even realizing, I was falling into sin. I am so grateful for this gracious warning from god, that I don’t think I’m infallible. For me, although all ate the same spiritual food, although all crossed the red sea, I want to be at the end. I want to put my trust in God.

“In every victory, let it be said of me:
My source of strength,
My source of hope,
Is Christ alone. “

Worker's Conference - Leadership

if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.

2 Chronicles 7:14

today spent the whole afternoon at worker's conference. this is probably one of the best and most memorable conferences i've attended in all my life in FGT. basically all my life ler.

started off with Datuk Paul Low. He's some big shot political/economical leader/pioneer in the country. the difference with him is he constantly makes stands for righteousness' sake. next was Shelton Johnson. shared from my favourite bible character- Joshua. shared about the calling of god and our responses. powerful message. i knew there was a reason i liked joshua. maybe i'll name my son joshua next time. he's a man who responded to god even though he didn't have the burning bush experience. So long as we know that god has called, don't keep looking for spectacular signs ler...yup. don't doubt the calling of god. lastly was of course pr. Hong Seng. showed us the importance of looking for the person who will serve. he gave this acronym:

Learning posture
Excellence
Anointing
Disciples
Energy factor
Relational skills
Servanthood and shortfalls

how true. many times people want to call themselves leaders but they refuse to be a disciple. i'm beginning to realise how important humility in leadership is. God opposes the proud. it's true. when we refuse to acknowledge our sins or weaknesses, we don't allow authority to speak into our lives. don't get me started on authority.

well, after these 3 speakers shared, we heard 3 testimonies from the pastors of FGT KK, London and Melaka. these testimonies was my sort of "breaking point". really touching ler. they were sharing about their churches and how god was blessing their churches. there was a sense of jealousy at that point. on one hand, i was really happy for them coz they made it through, they didn't give up, they produced fruit. on the other hand, i look at myself and ask why i can't be like them. it's sad knowing i'm called to be like them yet i still can't even be disciplined enough to pray regularly or to love people like jesus loves. it's something i need to repent constantly of and surrender to God. (if you are an FGTian reading this and have always been in your own church, i challenge u to visit the branch churches. it's really a different experience knowing god is working elsewhere, knowing how much the leaders at the branch churches have sacirficed just to be there to give their all. you just cant' help begging god to bless them and their efforts. visiting FGT KK has been a real eye opener for me spiritually. Go!)

after that we had a time of prayer. prayed in groups of 5. my group consisted of: aunty prema, grace, menghong and uncle rafael. this is one really special prayer for me. a first if i might add. when we started praying in tongues, tears just started streaming down my face. i KNEW at that moment that if i were to pray anything out loud, i would definitely burst into tears so i waited till the last hopefully the tears would stop. well, i still did burst into tears though the tears significantly dried up by that time. this has NEVER happened to me before. was sobbing uncontrollably halfway through my first sentence k. felt so weirded out man... was exhausting though. i guess i was just so sad that though we have such a big task ahead of us, there's still so many obstacles- people, circumstances... there's still so much nonsence (sometimes) that goes on that just makes serving the lord so tough and mind boggling. yes, we're serving together but somehow there's mistrust, there's unwillingness, there's no transparency. how can we win the world if we cant' even trust each other? hmmm... then i realised, (eventually) things aren't going to change unless i change. i got a sense that everything, this whole responsibility rested solely on my shoulders. if i don't pray, nobody's gonna pray. if i don't love, nobody's gonna love. it's really not dat bad but it feels dat way. just like wat my dad said a while back, god is just looking for that ONE person who will decide to stand in the gap, to run between the living and the dead. well, guess what, i want to be that person. nobody said it was easy, but if it kills me, i'm gonna try. it just takes ONE person.